No. 7 · THE BIG MAP ISSUE
3.95 · goat not included
POINTY HAT MONTHLY
ADULTS ONLY – 18+
THE BIG FOLD-OUT MAP EDITION
GIANT FOLD-OUT STRATEGY MAP · BLUD NINZHA
THE BOTTOMLANDS,
TOTALLY MAPPED!
Every lair, every relic, every secret cache and every hole some idiot left gold in. We walked all 144 screens of the Bottomlands so you don't have to get stabbed in a friendly way. Eight relics, eight floor plans, nine bosses, one ninja who will not stop saying he's a wizard. Spoilers kept to a minimum: we stop where the Citadel starts.
9 LAIRS!20 SECRET CACHES!ALL 8 RELICS!BOSS MOVES!
“Wizard.”
The title screen. Ninja. Wizard. Allegedly.
PUDDLE DOWNS
GRUBWOOD
BRIAR HOLLOW
LAKE MOIST
CRAG BUTTE
THE GASH
GLOOMFEN
SPIRE HEIGHTS
⌂
7
THE UNLIT CRYPT
3
THORNWOOD CHAPEL
⌂
⌂
$
⌂
MARGO
⌂
$
8
OFFICE OF WIZARD LICENSING
5
DUNESLOP'S SAND EMPORIUM
4
THE DROWNED BATHHOUSE
⌂
$
DEX'S HIDEOUT
BANDIT CAVE
⌂
6
GASH MINE
1
GLOOP'S GROTTO
⌂
HOLLOWBROOKS
⌂
$
9
CITADEL OF VEXMIRE
$
★
SAGE + JUNE
⌂
2
THE BRIMSTONE LOUNGE
⌂
GRUBBINS
⌂
QUINCE
START HERE
1 Lair (number = order)
Secret cache
Gold cave
$ Shop
★ Sage hall
⌂ House
Gated crossing: needs this relic
Our route
Secret cache
Gold cave
$ Shop
★ Sage hall
⌂ House
Gated crossing: needs this relic
Our route
THE PRO ROUTE 17 steps, no backtracking you didn't earn
- Puddleby
Talk to the Sage, meet June at the counter, buy a Potion at Madge's (7,7). Then west. - Gloop's Grotto (5,6)
Smoke Bombs. Pop Gloop's shield with one. Boots. - Blow the rubble
Two rubble crossings north of the Downs (screens 6,5 and 8,5) open Grubwood. Visit the Hollowbrooks (6,4) and Tobble's shop (8,4). - The Brimstone Lounge (9,3)
Ember Sigil. Vexa. Don't drink anything on fire. - Burn the thorns
West edge of Grubwood (4,5) or the Downs (4,7) into Briar Hollow. Dex's cave is at (2,8). - Thornwood Chapel (1,6)
Tide Slippers. Pastor Prickwell. Wade into the pond first. - Walk the deep water
East out of the Downs (10,7 to 11,7) into Lake Moist. Margo (12,6), Hesk's shop (13,6). - The Drowned Bathhouse (14,7)
Iron Gauntlets. Big Soapy Lou. Rinse off after. - Punch the boulders
North out of the Lake (13,4) into Crag Butte. Slick Rudy sells at (12,2). - Duneslop's Sand Emporium (14,2)
Grapple Line. Decline the sand. - Hook the chasm
West edge of Crag (11,2 to 10,2) into the Gash. - Gash Mine (5,0)
Moon Lantern. Foreman Grimbelly thinks you're the new hire. - Light the shadow
West edge of the Gash (5,1 to 4,1) into Gloomfen. Madge's sister stalls at (2,2). - The Unlit Crypt (1,1)
Storm Staff. Count Dimly. Bring the lantern, for his sake. - Shatter the crystal
Back east along the top row: Gash (10,0) to Spire Heights (11,0). - Office of Wizard Licensing (14,0)
Wizard's Writ. The Brackish Thing. Take a number. - The Citadel
The ward is south of screen (8,0), reached from the Gash. Past that: you're on your own, wizard.
THE SAGE SAYS
“Go to the lair west. Mind the slime king. He thinks he's royalty. Royalty of snot.”
“Head for the lair northeast. Get the Sigil, burn the thorns, and stop calling the bombs evocation orbs.”
She points you at every lair in order with a compass direction from wherever you're standing. You will not need her. You have this spread. Visit anyway: June is at the counter, and when she has news the next lair won't open till you've seen her. The line under the minimap turns gold to nag you.
“It's not dashing. It's short-range teleportation.”GATE GUIDE what's blocking you and what blows it up
 | | Rubble opens with Smoke Bombs (lair 1) | “Rocks. My old enemy. I'll be back with Smoke Bombs, you lumpy bastards.” |
 | | Thorn wall opens with Ember Sigil (lair 2) | “A wall of thorns. Even wizards need the Ember Sigil for this one. Especially wizards.” |
 | | Deep water opens with Tide Slippers (lair 3) | “The channel is too deep. The Tide Slippers would help. So would a boat, but nobody owns one.” |
 | | Boulder opens with Iron Gauntlets (lair 4) | “I'm not punching this barehanded again. My knuckles still click.” |
 | | Chasm opens with Grapple Line (lair 5) | “I looked down. Big mistake. My whole robe clenched.” |
 | | Shadow veil opens with Moon Lantern (lair 6) | “Total darkness. Like the inside of a hat. I need a Moon Lantern, specifically.” |
 | | Crystal opens with Storm Staff (lair 7) | “Blud licked it, for science. It did not open. It never does.” |
 | | Magic ward opens with Wizard's Writ (lair 8) | “This ward wants credentials. One day, ward. One day, the Writ.” |
THE SPELL BUTTON (F on PC), 0 TO 8
0 Dash
1 Smoke Bombs
2 Ember Sigil
3 Tide Slippers
4 Iron Gauntlets
5 Grapple Line
6 Moon Lantern
7 Storm Staff
8 Wizard's Writ
Cleared gates stay cleared. Tide Slippers are passive: own them and deep water is just water. Chasms are never walked; the Grapple Line pulls Blud to the first floor tile beyond. He named it Gerald.
THE NINE LAIRS floor plans, boss portraits, weaknesses
small key / key door · BOSS KEY big chest · B boss door · shutter (clear the room) · relic icon on a wall = that gate · SECRET! secret cache · M map · DARK = bring a lantern1
Gloop's Grotto
Puddle Downs · screen 5,6 · 9 rooms · 1 small keys
BOSS!
Gloop
Slime king, Keeper of Rubble. Crown is a pot lid.
“A wizard? You are holding a sword, little man.”
RELIC Smoke Bombs
Smoke BombsDROPS Legendary Boots + Gold Star
RESIDENTS 
THE FIGHT Gloop lobs globs. Each one lands on a telegraphed ring, so stand anywhere that isn't a ring. At half health he gets angry: more globs, and slime pups spill out of him to nip your ankles. Stab the pups, they're worth gold and goo.
STUCK? READ UPSIDE DOWN
Weak to Smoke Bombs. Drop one on him: shield off, and he staggers. Then it's sword time.
ENTER
B
RELIC!
M
BOSS KEY
SECRET!
B
BOSS!
2
The Brimstone Lounge
Grubwood · screen 9,3 · 11 rooms · 2 small keys
BOSS!
Vexa
Hellfire nightclub queen. Most aggressive flirt in the game.
“Hail the Pit Lord! And hail that robe. Take it off and let's sacrifice something together.”
RELIC Ember Sigil
Ember SigilDROPS Legendary Gloves + Gold Star
RESIDENTS 
THE FIGHT Vexa blows kisses: an aimed fan of them, so sidestep, don't backpedal. Every few seconds a pink ring blooms around her and drags you in. Dash out of it. At half health the floor around you starts catching fire in patches. Keep moving, she loves that.
STUCK? READ UPSIDE DOWN
Weak to the Ember Sigil. Fire on fire breaks the shell and staggers her. She'll call it foreplay.
ENTER
B
RELIC!
BOSS KEY
SECRET!
M
B
BOSS!
3
Thornwood Chapel
Briar Hollow · screen 1,6 · 12 rooms · 2 small keys
BOSS!
Pastor Prickwell
Hedge preacher of the Church of the Prickly Truth.
“Today's sermon is the thrusting bramble and the moist, willing soil. It's about gardening. Sit down.”
RELIC Tide Slippers
Tide SlippersDROPS Legendary Belt + Gold Star
RESIDENTS 
THE FIGHT He holds his pulpit and preaches rows of thorns down the chapel, always with one gap. Find the gap, slip through, repeat. At half health the rows come from the side too, so you're threading two gaps. The pond beside him matters. A lot.
STUCK? READ UPSIDE DOWN
Weak to the Tide Slippers. His shield drops (and he staggers) while you stand in the holy pond next to him. Wade in, stab, wade out.
ENTER
RELIC!
B
BOSS KEY
M
SECRET!
B
BOSS!
4
The Drowned Bathhouse
Lake Moist · screen 14,7 · 13 rooms · 2 small keys
BOSS!
Big Soapy Lou
A huge sentient bar of soap. Relentlessly hygienic.
“I've cleaned kings, sailors, and one very sticky ogre. You're next, sugar.”
RELIC Iron Gauntlets
Iron GauntletsDROPS Legendary Hat + Gold Star
RESIDENTS 
THE FIGHT Lou winds up (big tell), then slides the length of the bath at you, trailing slow bubbles that drift after. Step off his line, pop the bubbles with the sword. At half health he slides twice in a row: dodge once, keep dodging.
STUCK? READ UPSIDE DOWN
Weak to the Iron Gauntlets. The arena is deep water, so Slippers on. A punch cracks the bar and staggers him.
ENTER
RELIC!
B
BOSS KEY
SECRET!
M
B
BOSS!
5
Duneslop's Sand Emporium
Crag Butte · screen 14,2 · 14 rooms · 2 small keys
BOSS!
Duneslop
Sand blob salesman. Sells sand. Everyone needs sand.
“A customer! No? A hero? Even better! Heroes need sand! Sand gets everywhere!”
RELIC Grapple Line
Grapple LineDROPS Legendary Amulet + Gold Star
RESIDENTS 
THE FIGHT Duneslop dives into the sand and erupts under a ring that follows you. The moment the ring stops, move. Between dives he throws a cone of sand: get behind him or well off to the side. Phase 2 is the same salesman, digging a lot more often.
STUCK? READ UPSIDE DOWN
Weak to the Grapple Line. Hook him off his display: shield gone, stagger, stab. Decline the sand.
ENTER
M
RELIC!
BOSS KEY
SECRET!
B
B
BOSS!
6
Gash Mine
The Gash · screen 5,0 · 14 rooms · 2 small keys
BOSS!
Foreman Grimbelly
Union-busting mine foreman with a pickaxe and a gut.
“The robe's not regulation. The hat's not regulation. Your face is barely regulation.”
RELIC Moon Lantern
Moon LanternDROPS Legendary Robe + Gold Star
RESIDENTS 
THE FIGHT Up close he winds up a huge pickaxe swing with a bright yellow tell: step back and it hits dirt. At range he brings the ceiling down in spots (watch the dust rings). At half health more rocks, and he calls in the new hires. You are not the new hire.
STUCK? READ UPSIDE DOWN
Weak to the Moon Lantern. Light it in his mine: shield gone, stagger, and every safety violation on show.
ENTER
RELIC!
B
BOSS KEY
DARK
SECRET!
DARK
M
B
BOSS!
7
The Unlit Crypt
Gloomfen · screen 1,1 · 15 rooms · 3 small keys
BOSS!
Count Dimly
A vampire terrified of the dark. Keeps it unlit for ambience.
“I keep it unlit for ambience. Did something touch my leg? Please say that was you.”
RELIC Storm Staff
Storm StaffDROPS Legendary Off-hand + Gold Star
RESIDENTS 
THE FIGHT Dimly blinks around the crypt and, wherever he lands, throws a cross of bolts, then whistles up bats. The cross has four safe diagonals. At half health he blinks faster and throws all eight ways, so the safe spot is distance, not angle.
STUCK? READ UPSIDE DOWN
Weak to the Storm Staff. Lightning lights the crypt and breaks the shell. He thanks you. Then curses you.
ENTER
DARK
M
DARK
RELIC!
BOSS KEY
SECRET!
B
B
BOSS!
8
Office of Wizard Licensing
Spire Heights · screen 14,0 · 16 rooms · 3 small keys
BOSS!
The Brackish Thing
Ancient deep horror who runs wizard licensing. Apologetic.
“Welcome to the Office of Wizard Licensing. Please take a number. Your number is doom.”
RELIC Wizard's Writ
Wizard's WritDROPS Legendary Ring + Gold Star
RESIDENTS
THE FIGHT A tentacle slams along a whole row or column through where you're standing (the tiles light up first: move off the line, not along it). She also spits ink clouds that linger. At half health she spins out a spiral of bolts between slams. Walk with the spiral, never against it.
STUCK? READ UPSIDE DOWN
Weak to the Wizard's Writ. Brandish it: she stamps it herself, blushes, drops her guard and staggers.
ENTER
DARK
M
RELIC!
BOSS KEY
SECRET!
B
B
BOSS!
9
Citadel of Vexmire
Citadel · screen 8,0
BOSS!
Archmage Vexmire
Seven diplomas, all framed. Board-certified prick. Runs the whole racket from the top of the Gash.
“Do you have a license? A degree? A note from your mother?”
THE FIGHT Bring dodging shoes. That's all you're getting.
NOT TELLINGfind it yourself, wizard
ENTER
BOSS!
Σ
The lairs by the numbers
counted straight from data/world/dungeons.json
ROOMS 119 across 9 lairs (Gloop's Grotto is 9, the Office is 16)
SMALL KEYS 20 in chests. Every lock has one. Keys before locks.
BOSS KEYS 9, always behind the lair's own relic gate. Except the last one, which we're not drawing.
SECRET CACHES 9 in lairs, marked SECRET! on the eight plans above, 6 of them behind a gate.
MAPS 8 dungeon maps (the Citadel has none; you're on your own, wizard).
DARK ROOMS 6. Lantern or feel your way. Count Dimly feels his way.
SHUTTERS 19 rooms lock behind you until it's dead. All of it.
GOLD CHESTS 20, plus 7 gold caves up top. Spend it on Gold Stars (60g at Madge's).
THE PATTERN Every lair is the same shape underneath: entry, side rooms with small keys, a lock, the relic in a big chest, the relic's own gate, the Boss Key, a shutter room, the boss. Once you see it you can't unsee it. Blud never sees it.
SECRET! THE SECRET CACHE HUNT
11 caves and 9 lair rooms hide a cache: a chest of better loot and gold. Every boss also drops a Gold Star for more mana. Some caves hold only gold and a skeleton who clearly didn't. Here's where we started.
- Gloomfen screen 0,0: Secret cache — gate: Crystal (Storm Staff)
- Gloomfen screen 4,0: Gold
- Spire Heights screen 12,0: Secret cache
- The Gash screen 6,1: Secret cache — gate: Shadow veil (Moon Lantern)
- Crag Butte screen 11,1: Gold
- Crag Butte screen 15,1: Secret cache — gate: Magic ward (Wizard's Writ)
- …and 12 more caves we're not telling. Walk the edges. Lick the crystal.
10 PRO TIPS from the wizard desk
- DEATH COSTS NOTHING You respawn at the start, hat on, guts optional. The narrator blames the monster, every time. So try the stupid thing.
- KEYS BEFORE LOCKS Every lair hides its small keys in side rooms off the first corridor. Grab them all before you touch a locked door, or Blud tells the door to fuck off. He does that anyway. The door doesn't care.
- THE RELIC IS MID-LAIR Each lair's relic sits in a big chest halfway in. You need it to open the gate to the Boss Key, and the boss is shielded until that relic hits him. New toy, then boss. Always.
- DASH FIVE TIMES Dash five times in four seconds and Blud announces short-range teleportation. Vexmire hates it. 'Wizards do not dash!'
- HOLD THE SHIELD Hold Shield (K on PC) to raise the shield. Knights telegraph. Shield, then stab the opening. Blud calls it a ward. It's a plank.
- DRINK AT HALF Potions are 15 gold at Madge's and climb with every region. Elite players drink at 50%. A red pulsing rim means a quarter health: you're late. Blud drinks when the narrator starts talking about 'a dramatic pause'.
- BOSS LOOT IS FOREVER Each boss drops one legendary best-in-slot piece. It re-forges to your level on every level-up and random drops never replace it. Gloop's Boots are the first. They're boots. They're magic. Shut up.
- NIGHT IS REAL Once you own the Ember Sigil, the overworld follows your phone's clock. Dark screens stay dark until the Sigil lands on them. Play at 2am and Gloomfen will have a very bad day. So will you.
- TALK TO EVERYONE Everyone propositions Blud. He never notices. A gold ! means somebody has news: The Stolen Gig, The Brothers' Crate and the Secret Caches live on LOADOUT > ERRANDS and come back every run.
- THE RELIC STAGGERS Hitting a boss with the relic it hates doesn't just break the shield, it staggers him on the spot. That's your free window. Don't spend it admiring the hat.
ROGUES' GALLERY five families, five palettes, infinite soup
Puddle Downs, Grubwood, Lake Moist
Bounces at you. Calls you ninja. Dies into soup.
Everywhere a cave is
Swoops in arcs. Hits soft, dies fast. Looks away when you dance.
Most regions
Ranged goo. Sidestep, then close in. Elite bots dodge every shot.
Lake Moist, the Gash, Gloomfen, Spires
Drifts through the dark. Burns when the Lantern is up.
Briar Hollow onward, the Citadel
The hardest regular, but it swings slow. Shield up (hold Shield) and punish the swing.
Each family wears the colours of its region (meadow, forest, desert, swamp, ash). Everything bleeds. Everything calls him ninja.
WHO'S WHO in Puddleby and beyond
June
Town clerk at the sage hall. Stamps his hat approved-ish. The one person who doesn't smirk.
Town clerk at the sage hall. Stamps his hat approved-ish. The one person who doesn't smirk.
The Sage
Old, unimpressed, filthy-minded. Points you at the next lair.
Old, unimpressed, filthy-minded. Points you at the next lair.
King Grubbins the Baked
Stoned, broke, merchant-king. Sold exactly one comedy ticket. To Blud.
Stoned, broke, merchant-king. Sold exactly one comedy ticket. To Blud.
Counselor Marrow
Disbarred lawyer-wizard with a crate for you. Don't open it.
Disbarred lawyer-wizard with a crate for you. Don't open it.
Ezra Hollowbrook
Short, disciplined. His advice becomes 'wizard training'.
Short, disciplined. His advice becomes 'wizard training'.
Lyle Hollowbrook
Tall, gentle. Gideon was the small one.
Tall, gentle. Gideon was the small one.
Margo
Grubbins' furious ex. Runs the forged-papers side quest.
Grubbins' furious ex. Runs the forged-papers side quest.
Mother Quince
Fortune teller. 'Light hair, like their father.' Smug about it.
Fortune teller. 'Light hair, like their father.' Smug about it.
Dex Holloran
Scammer with an O. Hiding in Briar Hollow.
Scammer with an O. Hiding in Briar Hollow.
Madge
Hard-sell shopkeeper, Puddleby.
Hard-sell shopkeeper, Puddleby.
Slick Rudy Pellum
Shopkeeper-snitch, Crag Butte. Rumour source.
Shopkeeper-snitch, Crag Butte. Rumour source.
Tobble
Believer. Grubwood shop. Thinks the hat is real.
Believer. Grubwood shop. Thinks the hat is real.
Hesk
Deadpan. Lake Moist shop. Has seen things in the water.
Deadpan. Lake Moist shop. Has seen things in the water.
Pim
Puddleby villager. The one villager who never flirts. Pim is tired.
Puddleby villager. The one villager who never flirts. Pim is tired.
SEEN ON SCREEN
9/10
POINTY HAT VERDICT
A top-down action RPG with a stupid hat and a real heart. 144 screens, 119 rooms, nine bosses who each fight like somebody, and a protagonist who answers every come-on in the land with earnest talk about staff technique. We laughed, we winced, we got stabbed in a friendly way. Minus one for the goat smell.
A top-down action RPG with a stupid hat and a real heart. 144 screens, 119 rooms, nine bosses who each fight like somebody, and a protagonist who answers every come-on in the land with earnest talk about staff technique. We laughed, we winced, we got stabbed in a friendly way. Minus one for the goat smell.
NEXT ISSUE: the Citadel, in full, once you've all had a fair crack at it. Plus: every flirt line in the game, ranked by how badly Blud missed it, and a Hollowbrook crate report.